Introducing my eating disorder recovery blog
Hi, I’m Tori, and welcome to my eating disorder recovery blog! So happy you are here!
In this eating disorder recovery blog, you can expect me to write on several topics, including:
lessons learned in my personal eating disorder recovery
eating disorder recovery tips I have based on personal experience
eating disorder recovery tools I learned in therapy
eating disorder recovery resources for those going through recovery, including podcasts, journal prompts, books, etc.
eating disorder recovery resources for friends and family
eating disorder awareness and eating disorder research
incorporating my Christian faith in eating disorder recovery
and anything else related to eating disorder recovery and mental health things!!
In this first blog, I want to explain why I chose eating disorder recovery.
My eating disorder started with just noticing. Noticing that my body was larger than the sorority girls I saw on Instagram, noticing that I wasn't "burning as many calories" as I had when I was partaking in three-hour practices as a student-athlete, noticing that food labels had calorie counts, and noticing that if I put more energy into noticing, I could potentially control how my body looked. And therefore I could control how others perceived me. And therefore I could be safe, right? Everything would be okay. Right?
My eating disorder lasted for five years…
I won't burden you with the details of the five years of my eating disorder, partly because it could be triggering for you, and partly because it can still be triggering for me. But what I will say is that all this "noticing" led to a raging eating disorder, beginning with severe restriction, and morphing into years of restriction, purging, binging, and over-exercise.
Every day I was miserable. I only thought about food and exercise. I judged my self-worth solely on how much and what type of foods I ate, and how much I worked out. I felt out of control around food and was unable to go to dinner with friends, attend family events, or travel anywhere without severe anxiety.
I was obsessed with “health and wellness,” yet I was far from healthy.
I was miserable with my eating disorder, but I convinced myself that this was what it took to be “fit and healthy.” Which is interesting, because I wasn’t healthy at all.
You see there are so many eating disorder health risks, and after five years of engaging in eating disorder behaviors, my period was gone, my estrogen levels were completely depleted, and I had developed hypothyroidism, an arrhythmia in my heart, Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO), and other gut issues.
And that was only on the physical health side….
Mentally, I hated myself, spent most days wishing time away, and felt extremely isolated and alone.
In early 2023, everything came to a head when I had a serious mental breakdown.
I had a horrible night of engaging in eating disorder behaviors, and afterward, I called my mom sobbing, explaining that I just wanted my life to be over. I had no hope, I didn’t think things could get any better, and I didn’t want to keep going. I self-harmed for the first and last time that night.
I mention all of this because to understand why I chose eating disorder recovery, you need to understand how low of a place I was.
And how low an eating disorder might take you if you let it.
My eating disorder seemed to start innocently enough. Slowly but surely, it then took everything from me - my health, happiness, and my desire to live.
So, what motivated me to choose eating disorder recovery? Simple - I had nothing left to lose. The eating disorder had lied. It said it would make me happy. It said it would give me control. It said it would make me safe. And instead, I lost my entire life.
I had heard other people say that “eating disorder recovery gave them their life back.”
While I wasn’t sure I fully believed that, I was willing to give eating disorder recovery a shot. I wanted my life back too, to figure out who I was, to learn to love myself and my body, and to be able to live a happy and healthy life again. And I thought eating disorder recovery could give me that, so I did it. I chose recovery.
It’s been nearly 3 months since I decided to recover from my eating disorder. And I’m getting emotional writing this because it was the best decision of my life. I’m getting my personality back. I’m happier again. I’m traveling. I’m eating out with friends. I’m trying new foods I haven’t had in years. I’m learning new hobbies. I’m figuring out my likes and dislikes. And most importantly, I’m looking forward to the future instead of wishing it away. I have hope, and it feels so good.
Let this be your sign to choose eating disorder recovery, and to keep choosing it again and again. It is worth it, I promise.
Sending you so much love!
xx tori
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