How to help someone with an eating disorder

As requested on Instagram, today I will be discussing how to support someone actively struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder. I know this can feel like a really hard thing to do, but I can honestly say showing up is a big part of it.

Eating disorders are hard to understand and relate to, but there are things you can do to support those struggling. As your loved one continues on in recovery, things do get easier and less support is needed, but especially early on in the recovery process, having a lot of emotional support from family and friends is really important.

So, let’s get into how to support someone with an eating disorder:

1. Just listen.

A lot of times, someone struggling with an eating disorder just wants to know that they are heard because it’s so easy to feel alone. So, just be willing to listen and hear them out, even if what they’re saying doesn’t make sense to you. You probably won’t relate to their disordered thoughts and that’s okay. Just allow them to vent to you if needed.

2. Educate yourself.

You probably won’t understand a lot of stuff about eating disorders, and again, that’s okay. But, you can learn more, so have a growth mindset when it comes to this topic. Learn what you can! Whether that be following people on social media who talk about eating disorders, or joining an eating disorder family & friends support group (the Alliance for ED has a virtual one!), there are things that you can do to understand the complexities, symptoms, and effects of eating disorder. Learning more will help you empathize and respond more effectively when you see someone you love struggling.

3. Be supportive, not judgmental.

I think it’s really helpful to remember that your loved one isn’t struggling with an eating disorder because they are vain or are obsessed with their appearance. It really is a mental illness, and while the symptoms of an eating disorder can appear physical, or register often with extreme anxiety about food choices and appearance, it is so much greater than this. Try to understand that what your loved one is struggling with is truly a mental health issue, and they can’t just “try harder” to make it go away.

4. Help them get professional help.

I wish someone had told me that I really needed to get professional help from an eating disorder therapist and dietitian who specializes in eating disorders. You could even offer to assist in finding resources or help them by attending appointments if they’re comfortable with that. Getting professional help is really important and often it can take our loved ones approaching someone with an eating disorder for them to understand that they do need professional help.

5. Avoid triggering talk.

This means not talking about food and body issues and being more aware of the things that you’re talking about. Don’t comment on your loved one’s body, even if saying something well-intentioned like “you look healthier.” Also, don’t comment on how much your loved one is eating, even if it’s encouraging like “so proud of you for eating that much!”

6. Don’t measure their progress based on what you see.

A lot of times, we judge someone’s progress in eating disorder recovery based on if they’re eating, if they’ve gained weight, if they’re exercising less, if they’re talking about food less, etc. But remember - you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s head. And it’s important not to judge someone’s progress in recovery based on what you can see when there’s so much else going on that you can’t see. So, be patient, be understanding, and respect that recovery is a journey and not something that can be accomplished overnight.

7. Don’t try to fix them.

This might be hard to hear, but you can’t fix your loved one who is struggling. And things will likely never be exactly how they were before this person struggled with an eating disorder, and that’s okay. Remember, this is a mental health illness that your loved one can overcome, and it will take time, a lot of fighting, and highs and lows.

8. Celebrate their wins.

Celebrating is a really big part of recovery because it’s the positive things that help us keep going. When you see your loved one struggling, remind them of all the progress that they’ve made. Because with recovery, as in life, there will be a lot of ups and downs. And, we want to focus on the ups more than the downs, because that’s how we give more power to ourselves and less power to the eating disorder.

I hope these tips helped you. I think the last thing I’ll leave you with is this: be patient, do your best, and know that all you can do is show up. This disease is really hard and it’s really hard to navigate and understand. There will likely be challenges. You will likely say or do the wrong thing. And that’s okay. You aren’t perfect. Know that as long as you’re doing your best and you’re leading with love, you’re doing enough.

xx tori