How to support someone with an eating disorder: communication tips
It is no secret that eating disorders can impact relationships. When someone is struggling with an eating disorder, it puts a lot of stress not just on that person but their friends, family, and inner circle. As a result, communication tends to suffer.
I know that when I was really struggling, I found myself constantly moody, frustrated, and unable to describe what I wanted and needed from those around me. In turn, my loved ones struggled with communicating that they only wanted to help and be there for me.
The three tools I am going to share below are meant to help those experiencing an active eating disorder or going through eating disorder recovery, and their support systems. The tools come from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a type of therapy with the goal to “teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve relationships with others.”
I received all of these tools word-for-word from Bellatore Recovery where I went for treatment for my eating disorder. They are all acronyms, which is really helpful for memorization. I hope these help you!
Here are 3 tools to help you and your loved ones communicate throughout the eating disorder recovery process:
DEAR MAN
D: Describe. Use specific words to describe to the other person what you want.
E: Express. Express your feelings while maintaining a sense of self-control.
A: Assert. Assert your needs and stay away from aggressive / passive aggressive tactics.
R: Reinforce. Be sure that the other person understands exactly why they should respond to your request.
M: Mindful. Don’t allow distracting thoughts or intense emotions to cloud your thinking.
A: Appear confident. If you have trouble believing in the validity of your request, so will other people. Imagine yourself as confident, competent, and deserving of what you need.
N: Negotiate. Negotiate requests as there is often a way to meet in the middle.
FAST
When interacting with others, to be effective, we want to keep the relationship in mind and do what we can to take care of it so it will continue and fluorish, but never at the respect of our own values, self-respect or needs.
F: Fairness. Be fair, not just to the other person, but also to yourself.
A: (No) Apologies. Don’t be overly apologetic, apologize for making a request, for breathing, taking up space or being alive.
S: Stick to values. Don’t compromise your own values to try to please others.
T: Tell the truth. Don’t lie, exaggerate, or stretch the truth. Don’t make excuses.
GIVE
G: Gentle. Be considerate. No attacks, threats or judging. Be able to tolerate “no.”
I: Interest. Act interested in what the other person has to say and focus on staying in the moment.
V: Validate. Acknowledge the other person’s problems, feelings, desires, and opinions. Be nonjudgmental out loud.
E: Easy manners. Use good manners, smile, and be pleasant.
I hope these tools can help you communicate your wants and needs as you navigate supporting someone in eating disorder recovery.
Sending you so much love!
xx tori